I haven’t written a blog in a long time, and there is a
reason for that. There hasn’t been anything exciting happening in a long time.
I contemplated writing a blog a few months ago, but I have already written
depressing blogs about going through injuries, and I was hesitant to make
another one of those and appear to make it look like I’m trying to make people
feel sorry for me. That is obviously not
my intention, but I do think that since I started this blog a few years ago, I
should continue with it, even when I don’t have anything relevant to write
about regarding my racing and training.
I haven’t had that
feeling of enjoyment of being able to run without any significant injury issues
since last June. I also had to deal with a breakup with my girlfriend in
November. One positive thing is that I finished my Master’s last semester, but
now I am finding it difficult to figure out where God wants me next. I also had
to make a tough decision to no longer be a member of Speed River, at least for
this year. Although I really enjoyed being part of the group, the fact that I
am both injured and finished my Master’s and basically unemployed makes it hard
to justify staying in Guelph long term. My original plan was to continue
training while doing some part time tutoring to pay the rent and food. Well...right
now I am injured, and I’m not getting too much tutoring business. I’ll go
insane if I restrict myself to staying in Guelph and waiting to be healthy
enough to do workouts again. I don’t know how much longer I’ll have to wait
until I can run with joy and run at the competitive level that is necessary for
me to really benefit from being part of such a strong training group. I have
the best opportunity to achieve my running goals here and I can’t pursue them.
It’s BEYOND frustrating! I don’t want to stay in Guelph if there is such a high
risk that it will be a long time before I am healthy enough to train with the
top distance running unit in Canada. I am better off pursuing something else
and taking the time I need to fully recover, without any pressure to start
training with Speed River. If I put that pressure on myself to get back
training with the group, I know myself enough to know that I am more likely to
try to run through pain that I shouldn’t.
As far as the details of my running injuries, from the start
of the marathon build up in July, I was having issues with my groin. By
September the pain was bad enough that running the marathon was no longer
plausible, and I figured all I would need was a few weeks rest to heal things
up. I was wrong there! After nearly two months of cross training,
physiotherapy, and not getting any better, it was determined that one of my
legs was 1.8cm longer than the other. This is significant enough that over
time, the compensations that my body makes for this discrepancy became too
much, which led to the strain on my groin muscles. I got orthotics to fix the
problem, as well as some treatment to relieve the tension in my muscles. This
allowed me to build up mileage for about 5 weeks. Although I wasn’t feeling
100% healthy, I was feeling healthy enough to at least attempt a build up to
run Around the Bay again. In early
February, I experienced pain in my back which after a week of not going away
and getting worse, I was forced to stop running entirely once again. So I wont
be running Around the Bay, and I won’t make any plans to run competitively again
until my body lets me.
I often mutter to
myself why would God lead me to Guelph only to break my heart...in two
different places? I don’t know a definite answer to that question, but I think
there are three most likely reasons of why disappointments like this happen.
God is testing me, God is disciplining me, God is leading me somewhere else. A
fourth reason I can think of is simply
that we live in an imperfect world, we are all going to have to perservere
through certain trials regardless of whether it is our fault or not. The true
reason may very well be a combination of all these things...I don’t claim to be
wise enough to know, it is very hard for me to understand.
God could be testing me like he did in the book of Job. For those unfamiliar with the story, the book
begins with God having a discussion with Satan about a righteous man named Job.
Satan argues that the only reason Job is righteous is because he has been
blessed so greatly. If those blessings were destroyed, Satan predicted that Job
would curse God. So God allowed Satan to take away his possessions, family, and
health. The rest of the book is filled with dialogue between Job and his
‘friends’ who try to explain that God is punishing Job for something. Not until
the last few chapters does God finally speak to Job, and the book ends with Job
receiving even more than he had before. Is it possible that Satan read my blog
last June when everything was going great and had a similar discussion with
God? I’t might be. If anything, the book of Job serves as an important reminder
to trust God and worship him even in the tough times. I believe it is okay to
ask questions to God and vent our frustrations in prayer and still be
considered righteous. After all, Job did these things, and he was still
considered righteous. One example of Job’s questions that I can relate to is in
Job 13:23-25. In these verses, he asks God to show him if there is anything he
has done wrong. Why would a loving God punish someone without giving an
explanation for the punishment? I have asked God that too.
I prayed a few months
ago that if there is any area in particular that God wants to see significant
change in me that he reveal it to me.
Sometimes this is the case, and it might be that God is allowing
hardship in order to reduce a negative quality or increase a positive one. After
all, the bible does say the God disciplines those that he loves. It says this shortly after the running the
race analogy in Hebrews 12. I do feel as if the Lord did show me something back
in January that needed work. Looking back at the year of 2013, I was fortunate
enough to have some support in terms of new balance shoes, gear, and a certain
number of physio treatments. Not having to pay for those things was a huge
blessing, but it made me susceptible to a selfish and entitled attitude. I was seen as a
young, up and coming runner who had some success in road races. My best race in
2012 was a 30k in 1:35, and that is an equivalent performance similar to others
in the group with the same support level as me, to the best of my knowledge.
Come to think of it, I was probably the least accomplished runner that received
support, but a year of training with the top distance group in Canada should
produce a breakthrough year, and hopefully a strong marathon debut. The first
half of the year went well, but the second half was filled with injury. I realized that my support would probably be
reduced for this year, not just because of my injury, but because a lot of
athletes had breakthrough years, and they are much more deserving of support
than me. But ultimately that is a
decision left up to the coaches of Speed River, so I expected them to let me
know. This year they changed the tier/support system, so they had a meeting to
discuss these changes in January. The meeting left me with a lot of questions
unanswered. I was still unsure if I would receive any type of support, or if I
would be completely on my own for running expenses(shoes and physio are the big
two) in addition to the club membership fee. I was extremely grateful for that
support in 2013, but if I would no longer be receiving it, that is a big
change, and it would be tough for me to rationalize committing to stay in
Guelph, now that I graduated and trying to figure out what to do next. I also think
it is wisest to return to race shape at my own pace coming back from a lengthly
injury. It is only when I am healthy that I can benefit from being part of a strong
training group like Speed River. Is it possible that my membership fee can be
pro-rated? Can they take a portion of my prize money instead? Those questions
seemed logical to me, so I decided to meet with Dave Scott Thomas to address
these questions. Unfortunately, this was interpreted by Chris Moulton and Dave
as I am just trying to use Speed River and see how much I can get out of the
group. So Dave sat me down with Chris, and it was suggested that if I am making
my decision whether to stay with Speed River based on whether or not I receive
support, I’m in it for the wrong reasons, and I should get out. Now, obviously,
I don’t run because I want to get material possessions. That would be
ridiculous! If I was motivated by those things, I wouldn’t waste time running
100+ mile weeks, I can guarantee you that. It is true though, that I am an
extremely frugal person and I do like to calculate those factors. What I did
take away from what they said is that I need to work on being less of a self
centered person...only concerned about take, take, take, without giving back
anything in return. Also, although I thank God for his blessings, it’s also
important to making an intentional effort to show my thankfulness to people
that God has used to bless me. After this meeting with the coaches, I was
deeply troubled the most because if I claim to be a Christian and write blogs
about it, and I’m interpreted by coaches as selfish and ungrateful, I am being
a terrible witness, and I’m being a phony Christian. That is a serious issue. Dave
does know me enough to understand that because of my mathematical mind, I make
decisions based on reason and calculations, but he showed concern that I didn’t
seem to put value on coaching and being part of the Speed River community. In
reality, those things are important to me. Speed River is an awesome group. I
have gotten to know some athletes, many whom have performed on the world stage,
and they are also great personalities and humble about their accomplishments as
well. I wish I could have gotten to know these people and train with them more,
but injuries have prevented that. It has frustrated me incredibly that I
couldn’t take advantage of such an awesome opportunity. I could try to stay
here in Guelph and wait patiently for my injury to heal, and take on a part
time job to pay the bills, even if it is something mundane and not in my field.
I have considered that. There are also negative emotions that also play a roll
in my decision. There is negative
emotional effect of losing support and not being considered a tiered athlete
anymore. There is also a loss of passion that comes with being injured for so
long. I’m in a tough situation, and to say that I was making a decision purely
based on material support is a bit unfair, although I can understand where Dave
and Chris are coming from as coaches of Speed River, and I can learn from the
situation. Regardless of whether I will be part of Speed River in the future,
the more important matter is the matter of my heart, and I have asked God to
work in my heart show me ways to be less focused on my self and to focus more
on showing gratitude to those who help
me and service to those who could use my help. I’m not very good at being able
to see these things, so I hope God will show me how to improve in this.
Could all these unfortunate events be God’s way of telling
me that Guelph is not where he wants me to be at least for the next year or two?
Does he have something better in store for me? This is another possible
explanation. I recently graduated with my Master’s, and I’m at a point where I’m
trying to figure out what to do next. I hoped to find a sessional teaching
position for an introductory statistics or math class, but those positions are
hard to get. I don’t think research is for me, so I don’t want to start a PhD,
but I do want to teach. I recently applied to teacher’s college, and since
Guelph doesn’t have teacher’s college, I’d have to move elsewhere. Western and
Windsor were still accepting applications when I decided this, so those are the
two schools that I applied for. I know teaching jobs are tough to get right
now, but they are switching the program to 2 years next year, so if I get in, I
would only have to do 1 year. So it
would be a huge plus to get in this year rather than next year. Maybe God is
leading me down that path instead. It’s tough to know what will happen though,
and I have to be open to many possibilities. I just hope something works out
for me, so I have something to keep me from insanity when I’m not able to run.
The other explanation is to just say that this world isn’t
perfect, and there is going to be points in everyone’s life where multiple
things go wrong or uncertain all at once. It’s important to be patient and
persevere through these times, and hopefully come out a stronger person. Any
competitive runner will experience injury troubles at certain points in their
career, and if you don’t, I think I can speak for a lot of runners when I say
that I envy you. It stinks that there are other uncertainties going on at the
same time for me, but its a possibility that I have to be prepared for.
I’m not looking for sympathy or anything like that for
writing this entry. I was really hesitant to write this post for the reason of
coming across that way. But I think it is important that I let people know what
is going on in my life who want to know and might’ve wondered what the heck
happened to that Around the Bay winner from last year. I also think its
important to share our experiences, and it may be that someone else is going
through a similar struggle and may be encouraged that they are not alone. Who
knows? I hope that what I write might benefit somebody. It would be easy for me
to blame God for bringing me to Guelph and allowing brief success but only to
bring me down. But then I would forget all the blessings he has and continues
to show me. Family and friends are a big one that is easy to take for granted.
Also I don’t have student debt because of the scholarships I received at
Campbell and the GTA/GRA funding I received at Guelph. (It also helps that I’m really frugal !)
That’s a burden that a lot of people in my situation might also have on their
back, but for me I don’t have that. So if I look at what to be thankful for
rather than what to complain about, that can help too. Through everything I
trust that God is in control, and that despite my shortcomings, he will provide
for me, and show me where I can go next to best serve him.
